October 6, 2023
I woke up at 6:30am. I started to write my blog when I received a phone call from a good friend. We talked for a while until it was almost time for me to leave for work. I quickly got up just as Christopher was leaving. We were doing a deep clean on a rental house together and he wanted to get started early. Angel and Finn (my grandson who stayed the night) were already fed and ready to go. I got myself ready to go, loaded up the kids and my dog Little Bit and we all headed to town. We listened to Little House on the Prairie on audio on the drive.
The kids played with toys while Christopher and I cleaned. It was a big job and even though Christopher had cleaned there for 5 hours the day before, it took the 2 of us another 4 hours to finishing it. The house looked sparkling clean when we finished and we felt good about our masterpiece.
On the way home I stopped at the DMV to get my new/used pop up camper title transferred to my name. I was thinking as I walked in the door of the building that it never seems to go smoothly whenever I go to the DMV. So, of course, it didn’t go smoothly and I will need to get a bonded title. Next time I go to the DMV I’m going to change my prediction of things not going smoothly to one of being grateful for a smooth and easy transaction. It will be fun to see if things turn out differently.
Finn fell asleep on the way home and Angel listened to Little House on the Prairie. We pulled up to our gate and Angel got out to open it. I drove through and she closed it behind me. As I waited for her to get back in, she came up to my window and said she wanted to run behind me. Sometimes she likes to run behind the truck as I drive up our long curvy driveway. I waited for her to get behind the truck and I started to drive when I felt a bump and heard a dog yelping. My heart sunk, I knew instantly that I had ran over a dog. I stopped and jump out of the truck. Angel was standing next to her dog Remy who was flopping around on the ground. I started yelling, “oh no! Oh no! Oh no!” as I ran to Remy. I could tell she was hurt bad. I tried picking Remy up and she bit my hand hard. Blood was running down it but I didn’t give it any thought. I told Angel to run up to the house and get Christopher. Remy crawled into the woods and wouldn’t let me near her. I kept talking to her softly and followed her into the woods. She finally stopped and looked at me. I eased up to her and picked her up. She was so broken up, I kept thinking maybe a vet could save her but deep down I knew that she wasn’t going to make it and I sobbed as I held her and talked to her soothingly. Angel came running back and said that Christopher wasn’t home. Where was he? He should have arrived home before us? My mind couldn’t think clearly. I called him but he didn’t answer. I left him a text and called again and agin, still no answer. What do I do now? I told Angel to get back in the truck. She got buckled in and I gently laid Remy in her lap. We were both crying. I headed towards the vet and my mind was racing. Maybe they could save her or at least they could put her to sleep. Suddenly I remembered, Christopher said he was going to his cousin Marcus after work. I called Marcus’ wife Renaté and asked if Christopher was there. She said the guys were at the shop. I told her what happened and she said she would run out there and get Christopher. I pulled over to the side of the road and took a deep breath to get centered. Christopher called and I told him what happened. He said he was heading home. I said Remy needed to be put down and I couldn’t do it, he said he would do what needed to be done. Angel was crying and saying she couldn’t believe this was happening. Remy’s breathing became labored and raspy. I drove back home and parked the truck. Christopher wasn’t there yet. I took Remy from Angel and sat on the steps holding her and telling her how much she was loved. Finn woke up and Angel helped him out of the truck. I was hoping he would have stayed asleep and not seen Remy all broken up. The kids stood next to me crying. Christopher pulled up and looked at Remy. He started crying and went to dig a hole. I gently took Remy’s collar off and handed it to Angel. She took it and said she wanted to get another dog that is a girl and looks like Remy. I said we could after some time passed. She said she wanted one today. I told her it might be awhile but we would get her another dog. Christopher came back and gently took Remy from me. She was barely breathing. The kids were petting one of the cats and talking to each other about what happened. I went inside the house to wash the blood off of me and clean up the bite on my hand. When I closed the door, I heard the gunshot and started to sob. Delilah, an elderly dog we are pet sitting was so excited to see me. I talked gently to her while I washed up, my heart aching. Then I gave her lots of pets and took her outside to go to the bathroom. Christopher came back and took the kids to put a stone on Remy’s grave. I went and laid down, crying, petting Little Bit and Delilah.
After awhile Angel and Finn came in. Angel was asking me about getting another dog. I told her it would be better to wait awhile but we could look online at dogs if she wanted. Both her and Finn wanted to look so they cuddled up with me on the bed and we looked at dogs available locally. I reached out asked about a few but none of them panned out and I knew it was for the best. We needed much more time.
The kids left to play and I went in search for Christopher and found him sitting outside. We sat outside together and talked and cried. Then the kids came over and wanted to go to the pond “swim tank”. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to sit around and nurse my aching heart but I knew it would be good for the kids so I said we could go. We loaded up the dogs in the side by side and made sure they were securely fastened. There would be no more accidents happening today.
At swim tank the kids played along the shore while I finished writing my blog from yesterday. It was challenging to focus on events that happened the day before. It all seemed so trivial. We stayed at swim tank for an hour or so before heading back home. When we got back, I started a bath for the kids and talked with Christopher some more. Then I took a shower to get ready to go to play practice. I wanted to skip practice and go to bed early. Then I received a text from a cast member saying they had a migraine and wouldn’t be at practice and asked if I could pick up another cast member for them that is expecting a ride. I said I would.
Finn’s other grandma came and picked him up and shortly after I headed to play practice. On the way I picked up the other cast member and we had a good conversation on the drive. Play practice went better than I expected and it was good to focus on something else other than Remy. When other cast members were rehearsing their lines I blew up balloons we needed for one of our props. I blew up probably 20 or more balloons when I started feeling sick and lightheaded. I had eaten hardly anything all day, only 16oz. of smoothie and an apple. Between the grief, lack of food and blowing up those balloons, I felt done in. I wanted to leave early and had already practiced all of my lines but I needed to give the other cast member a ride home. The director asked me to fill in reading lines for a cast member that wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure if I could do it with the way I was feeling but I got up and did it and felt better afterwards. When play practice was over, I asked if someone else could give the cast member I had picked up a ride home, explaining I wasn’t feeling my best. The director said he would be happy to do it.
On the drive home my mind kept replaying what happened that day over and over until I finally said that was enough. I chose to get out of my mind and be in the moment. I rolled down the window and enjoyed the feel of the cool night air and listened to peaceful music. When I arrived home, Christopher and Angel were already in bed. I took Delilah out to use the bathroom and got her comfortable in her bed. I went to bed around 10pm and cried myself to sleep cuddled up with Little Bit.
I am grateful to have experienced another wonderful day even though it was one of tragedy and grief.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I dearly appreciate you.