Grief Can Be Light and Beautiful and Full of Gratitude

October 7, 2023

I woke up at 1am. My heart was heavy with grief. I started writing a blog post about the day before and going over the events of how Remy died. It took me a long time to write the blog post. I had to stop often and let the sadness flow through me. I finished writing at 4:30am. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 6:30am. I did not want to get up and go to work. I wanted to lay in bed and lick my wounds. At least I had a short work day. At 7am, I got up and got ready for work. Angel and Christopher were up and about. Angel kept asking me if we could go look at dogs. I told her it would be good to wait awhile longer before getting another dog, after all Remy had just died yesterday. She kept insisting she was ready to get another dog. How quickly children process their emotions. They are fully present in the moment. 

Christopher headed to work first and a followed with Angel and Little Bit shortly after. We had an office building to clean, then I needed to go to the Episcopal church to set up the altar. After that, I planned to go to the farmers market. Somewhere in there I was meeting up with a friend whose rental house Christopher and I finished cleaning yesterday so I could give her the keys back and get paid. 

I felt heavy while cleaning and happiness was a distant memory. 

After we finished cleaning, Christopher headed home. I loaded up Little Bit and Angel and went to meet my friend to exchange keys and money. The gps didn’t take me to the right place and I felt frustrated. I told her we could meet up later. I started to head home thinking I would skip the farmers market. I was feeling so down and wasn’t in the mood to socialize. Then I remembered I was dropping off a pattern and material for Angels Halloween costume to a friend who had a booth at the farmers market. I had hired her to sew the costume. 

I stopped at the farmers market. There were lots of people there that I knew and it lifted my mood somewhat to talk with them. The local animal shelter had a booth set up there and Angel wanted to look at the dogs. We looked but none were a good fit. Angel was disappointed but I told her it takes time. My friend I had attempted to meet up with earlier messaged me that she could meet me at the library. When we arrived there, I went to get the keys to give her and they were not in the spot I put them. Where could they have gone. I looked and looked and my friend looked too. Then she asked if they were on the key ring that was in the ignition. I said there wasn’t any other keys on there and looked down at them. Hooked on a little figurine attached to my key ring was my friends keys. Oh thank goodness! 

We did our exchange and headed home. On the drive home we listened to “Little Town on the Prairie” on audio. At home, I laid down in the hammock to relax and take a nap. Angel asked if we could look at dogs on line again. I told her we already looked yesterday and once again told her the right dog will come along and these things take time. She said she still wanted to look and that she was ready for a new dog. She said she stilled loved Remy but now she didn’t have a dog anymore and she wanted to have a dog. We looked on line again. I saw that a lady I had done pet sitting for in the past was looking for a home for some 5 month old stray puppies she rescued. I called her up to find out more about them. They were boys and Angel wanted a girl. They were also going to get big and Angel wanted a smaller dog. Angel said she still wanted to go look at them. 

We drove back to town to look at the puppies. Angel and I both immediately took a liking to a reddish/brown puppy with silky fur. He had a mellow personality and was friendly. Angel walked him around and we petted him. I asked the lady if we could take him home and if he’s not a good fit, bring him back. She said absolutely. We took him home and Angel walked him around on a leash. He did ok being around the chickens and cats and other dogs. We took him for a walk in the woods. Him and Angel ran side by side down the trail and the grief that had been weighing on me turned to joy. He was perfect for Angel. In that moment I fell in love with him and knew we were keeping him. I noticed how easily my heart could still ache for Remy and at the same time be full of joy that we had a wonderful new puppy for Angel to have for her own. My heart was full of gratitude. I was grateful for our 4 years with Remy. I was grateful she had been such an amazing dog. I was grateful children bounced back so easily. I was grateful for Angel showing me that I too could bounce back easily if I chose to. I clearly saw that grief didn’t have to be heavy, grief could be light and beautiful and full of gratitude. I had never experienced this before. I marveled at the new insight I had received and whispered a prayer of thanks.

That evening after supper we all gathered as a family in the Banana Hut and I read a couple chapter of “Summer of Light”.  The new dog Biscuit (whose name has now been changed to Chase) was cuddled up with Angel and my dog LacyJane on the trundle bed. He had never been inside a house before and had never had a warm soft bed to lay on. He was loving his new luxury life and I was glad we good provide it for him. We all said our good nights and went to sleep around 9:30pm. 

I am grateful to have experienced another wonderful day. 

Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I dearly appreciate you. 



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