Work, rest, reading and anger.

September 23, 2023

I woke up at 1:30am. I wrote my blog and read my book “A Thousand Splendid Suns”. I went back to sleep at 4am. I woke up again at 5:30am. I got up, made my tea and a smoothie and headed to work. Little Bit got to come with me today and he liked was happy about that. On my way to work I stopped at the Episcopal church and set up the altar since it was my turn. I haven’t attended that church for years but I still clean it and set up the altar once a month. 

I arrived at my first job of the day and got started cleaning. It was a busy work day cleaning 3 office buildings and then a residential. Christopher likes to come help me clean the offices and he showed up with Angel shortly after I started. As we cleaned I started to feel a feeling of hopelessness and despair that seems to pop up once in a while. Then the questions start up in my mind…”what am I really here for? What is my purpose?”. I started singing to myself a song by Alexia Chellun, “I am grateful, I am free. I’m grateful for the love that surrounds me.”

As I cleaned I felt so tired. My limbs felt heavy and sluggish. I wanted to go home and sleep for days. Angel was scattering toys around as we cleaned and I found myself getting angry at her for making a mess while I was cleaning. I felt like I could barely handle the work I had. We finished the first office and drove to the next job. When we finished there, we went to the 3rd job. My key would not work in the lock. I tried and tried and tried but the key would not work. I was feeling so frustrated. I was so tired. Finally, I figured out how to get a hold of someone who works there through Facebook. They let me know that the lock was changed and I would have to skip this time. I felt relieved to do one less job today and it gave me some free time before my next job. 

Christopher, Angel and I went to the farmers market next door. It was a struggle to talk to people there and appear cheerful, I was feeling so weak and heavy. Christopher and Angel left to go eat and head home with Little Bit. I went and visited a new store that opened up yesterday, then went to my residential job. It was good to see my client but I was glad when work was over. 

On the way home, I stopped and picked up a dog named Sophia from her owners. We are pet sitting her until Wednesday. She’s such a sweet dog. I love watching her. When I arrived home, I went straight to bed. Sophia and Little Bit snuggled with me. I read my book “A Thousand Splendid Suns” and planned to fall asleep for a nap. I kept reading though and kept reading. Christopher came in and asked if I wanted supper. I said no thank you, he asked if I wanted a bath. I said yes please. I kept reading until the bath was full. Then I read in the bath until I finished the book. Then I relaxed in the water. I remembered feeling tired and down all the time before in my life when I was sick all the time. I closed my eyes and asked the Holy Spirit why I was feeling so down and tired. Anger was the answer I got. Anger??? Oh yes I was angry. Angry at myself for making mistakes, angry at life. I prayed for clarity on forgiving myself and healing my anger. I was grateful for my anger and gave it a hug. After my bath, I went back to bed. Angel and Christopher came in and told me goodnight. I was grateful to Christopher for taking care of Angel so I could rest. Then I slept. 

I am grateful to have experienced another day. 

Thank you for reading my blog. I dearly appreciate y’all. 



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