October 22, 2023
I woke up at 4a.m. The horrible events the previous night were spinning through my head. I had a headache and diarrhea. I prayed for relief. Then I heard myself repeating in my head “I can’t handle all this, it’s too much for me”. Once I realized what I was telling myself, I immediately changed it to “I am strong enough to handle and process all of this, I have the tools and I know how to use them”. I was grateful for clarity and a shift in perception. Changing my thoughts IS one of my tools…rather than focusing on what I don’t want I focus on what I want. I know what I tell myself I create, so it’s important to tell myself what I truly do want. I can’t change the events that happened but I have a choice on how I process and apply them to my life moving forward.
I cuddled with Christopher for awhile and my mind kept going over and over the event. Then the HolySpirit whispered to me….”do what you have been called to do, write, write it all in your blog”. I argued with the HolySpirit….”I can’t write about it in my blog, it could trigger people. It’s a pretty horrific story”. The HolySpirit calmly responded…”then give a trigger warning but write it down and share it, it’s important for your healing”. I continued to argue….”I’m exhausted and I don’t have the strength to write right now”. The response was, “writing it out will give you relief and you will be able to rest”.
I went in the banana hut and wrote my blog. My entire body was shaking as I wrote it all out. When I finished writing, I was filled with comfort and relief. It was now 7:30 a.m. and I fell back asleep. I had vivid emotional fear filled dreams but I slept hard. I woke up a little after 9 a.m. I thought about sleeping more and skipping church but I know Angel loves church and we hadn’t been to the little church up the road in a few weeks. We had been to the Cowboy church and gone on a family hike the past couple of Sundays. So I got up and got ready for church. I still had a headache but it was a mild one. Christopher had Angel already fed and when I asked if she wanted to go to church she excitedly ran to put on a church dress.
I was not feeling very social at church like I usually am. It felt good to be around people though. I shared with the pastor what I had experienced and he prayed over me. The sermon ran long and we left before it was over so I could get to my play in time. We had a 2 p.m. matinee and we were supposed to be there at noon and I was picking up a fellow cast member on the way. I dropped Angel off at home and was heading to town when I got a message that said we didn’t have to be at the theater until 12:30 p.m. I was grateful for the extra half hour. It gave me time to go to a pet sitting job that I was starting today and check on the animals. I liked that I could check on them before going to the play since I wouldn’t be back there until around 6 p.m. that evening.
After checking on the animals I went and picked up my fellow cast member. We were pretty quiet on the drive. We were both really tired and neither of us felt up to doing the play but we knew that we had to be there. After all, we were the opening scene. When we arrived at the theater, I got ready and practiced my lines. Most of the cast knew about what I had experienced the night before but a few didn’t and they asked about it. I told them what happened and managed not to cry since it would have messed up my make up. Telling the story and talking about it was getting easier.
The play went great and doing it lifted my spirit. I was grateful to be focused on other things besides the previous nights events. Christopher and Angel came to see it and when it was over we went out to eat, which is something we rarely do. I hadn’t eaten more than I handful of vegetables the day before and I was hungry. I ordered a salad and it was really good.
Angel rode home with me instead of Christopher. We listened to “Little House of the Prairie” on the drive. I drove home the back way. I did not want to drive past where the accident had occurred last night. I had found out earlier, the cause of wreck was that the semi truck had hit a cow and I was told the cow was still laying on the side of the road. I knew in the future I would go back to that spot. I wanted to plant flowers where that man had died but I wasn’t ready to revisit that place yet.
At home, I told Angel to wait in the truck. I quickly packed to stay overnight at my pet sitting job, gave Christopher a kiss and hug and was off. When I arrived, I got settled in, fed the animals and put the chickens up. They have 3 longhorn calves that are sort of people friendly that Angel was fascinated with. I took a bath and the water burned all the scrapes on my legs that I got from running through the bushes to get to the truck last night. I had forgotten about my legs being scraped up and I realized that I this is the first time I’d bathed since last night. It felt good to wash last night off of me and get fully clean. Angel took a bath and we went to bed. I was exhausted and after making a couple of phone calls, Angel and I went to sleep at 8 p.m.
I am grateful for another day.
I am grateful for a wonderful support system.
I am grateful for life moving on.
I am grateful for my amazing family and friends.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I dearly appreciate you.