Resisting Hopelessness

Dear Diary and Friends,

The trees are my constant reminder to be in a place of non resistance. The trees laugh and dance as they bend and sway with the wind. It’s beautiful to watch.

So much has happened this month that I’m not sure what I want to write about. Christopher and I have been dating two months. It seems much longer. He is so familiar to me and I have complete clarity knowing that I am with the right person. I keep getting confirmations.
We experienced a trauma together a couple of weeks ago. A trauma that bonded Christopher and Angel and was a big test for our relationship. I wasn’t sure how well we would handle it with our relationship being so new. I am really really impressed by how well Christopher handled it. I’m actually really impressed by how well we both handled it. It was extremely stressful for a few days and we both were able to be a solid support for each other. The ebb and flow of giving and receiving is very balanced between us. The love I feel for Christopher is a new version of love that I haven’t ever experienced before. It’s effortless, rich and natural. Mostly though, it’s super yummy! Lol. We both have a sense that we’ve known each other before and have now found each other again. I feel so blessed to get to experience this relationship. It has completely changed my beliefs on what is possible.
The accelerated healing I had been experiencing since living in the woods with Christopher was put on hold while dealing with the trauma. Now that things are getting back to normal, I’ve began to experience noticeable shifts in my body and thought processes again. I was at work the other day, prepping a hallway to be painted. I began to feel this yucky hopeless feeling come over me that I tend to get often in the winter. I’d been feeling it a lot lately in dealing with the trauma and the cold grey weather. So as I felt this hopelessness come over me there in that hallway, I immediately started to resist it. “Just go away”, I thought, “I don’t want to feel this ‘bad’ feeling.” Then I felt the Holy Spirit come over me and tell me to not resist the feeling. “Really?!?!”, was my response, “is that the best you can do? I don’t want to feel this hopelessness, it’s yucky.” I know though that the Holy Spirit never leads me astray and life goes much smoother when I follow that guidance. “Ok fine!, I thought, “let’s just do it. Ok, hopeless yucky feeling, if you want to be felt than so be it”. I stood there and consciously let go of all resistance. I allowed the feeling to fill me up from head to toe. It felt uncomfortable and hopeless and yucky but I continued to allow myself to feel it. As the feeling flowed through me, it really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I might go as far to say that I started to enjoy it a little bit. Then poof….it was gone. I searched for it but it was completely gone. Wow! That whole process took less then a minute. Wow! Wow! Wow! In the past when I would get that hopeless feeling it would last for at least a day and usually more. I would feel it come over me and know that it would get worse before it got better. I struggled with it. I would try to find ways to feel better. I would search for the cause, thinking maybe it was lack of vitamin D or lack of sunshine or something needed changed in my diet or I needed to do more mediation or more prayer or more yoga…etc. Now I have a completely new perspective…maybe feelings that arise, whether “good” or”bad”, simply need to be allowed to flow through me without resistance. I don’t have to figure out the cause or anything else. I can choose to allow the feeling to be, without thought or judgement. Just be how it needs to be and through allowing the feeling loses its power. Amazing! Who knew it could be so simple and easy? Lol.

Thank y’all for reading my blog and being a part of my life.

With love and gratitude,

Victoria

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