Marijuana, True Clarity, Releasing Emotions and a News Station Field Trip

February 15, 2024

I woke up at 5:00 a.m. I let the puppy out to go potty and wrote some on my blog. At 5:30 a.m. Healer wanted to go out again. I let him out and noticed the lights were on at Christopher’s. Oh good, I could start getting ready. I greeting Christopher and made lime tea (hot water with fresh lime juice). I was feeling really good physically. My body felt young and vibrant. I had been eating all raw food again since coming back from Utah and recovering from drinking too much alcohol. It took 7 days to recover from drinking that time. I have never drank often but now I have quit drinking completely. Alcohol dims my light, represses my emotions and steals my energy.  Processed and starchy (zero and low nutrient) food dims my light, represses my emotions and steals my energy. I also quit smoking marijuana which not many people knew I did, it was a secret. Marijuana dims my light, steals my energy, represses my emotions, caused foggy thinking, makes me forgetful and weakens my will power (especially with food…munchies). I liked marijuana because it didn’t make me sick or give me a floppy feeling like alcohol does. Marijuana also gave me the illusion of getting clarity on things but it was definitely an illusion. The illusion was really repressed emotions. I would feel angry and go smoke a little, then I would be like, what’s the big deal and be in a relaxed sort of fog but no longer angry. For some reason, I thought that was clarity because I no longer felt angry (or whatever uncomfortable emotion) anymore. I clearly see now that I was not releasing the emotion, I was repressing it. I was not healing from the illusion of the need to be angry, I was running from it. I didn’t want to feel the anger because ya know, I believed it was bad to feel angry. It’s not bad to feel any emotion. The emotion can feel big and overwhelming but I’ve found relaxing into it and letting it be felt until it runs its course is easier than I thought. Once the emotion is fully felt and released, that’s when I gain true clarity on the illusion. What’s more challenging is not spewing that anger onto to others. (I’m using anger as the example because that is a big one for me.) I had so much anger come up when I quit marijuana this time that I thought I would die from it. It was intense and some of it did get spread onto others but I knew it was my time to shine by practicing feeling it fully without acting on it. I listened to a lot of Tara Brach, Michael Singer and Thich Nhat Hahn. I spent a lot of time praying and meditating. As I was able to feel and release the anger little by little I felt higher and higher, High on life, which is so much richer than a chemical induced high. Each release of anger brought an expansion in joy. The depression and darkness that had been weighing on me, slowly lifted and I could feel myself deeply healing. I have gained incredible clarity that I am able to actually apply to my life through simply feeling and releasing emotions. I now know that I am capable of  feeling my emotions fully until they are done needing to be felt; they can be fully felt without acting on them or feeding them with thoughts. It’s like Micheal Singer says, when there is a ripple in water and you leave it alone, it runs its course and then the water goes back to being calm. When there’s a ripple in water and you touch it to make it go away, you end up making more ripples. Our emotions are energy and energy works the same as water. I no longer fear feeling and instead I welcome it. I don’t have to manage my emotions, it’s much easier to simply let them arise and feel them. It’s actually quite fun to feel emotions and notice their characteristics. To me anger feels hot (blood boiling), depression feels dark, fear feels jumpy, sadness feels cold, joy feels warm, laughter feels fluffy (like a soft cloud). I am grateful for the lessons and the journey life gives me. I’m here to shine my light and I don’t want to dim it with alcohol, food or marijuana. This is in no way a judgement on others and their choices. This is about my choices and my growth and expansion. I want my light to shine as bright as it can shine in this life that I am given. 

I want enjoying feeling great and got ready for the day. I had a smoothie left over from yesterday but I made one more in case I needed it. The kids woke up, got dressed and ate breakfast. I went in the banana hut to write some more until it was time to leave at 7:30 a.m. We were going on a field trip to KBXT in College Station with the homeschool co-op today. I got the kids in the truck and drove to town to pick up Ms. M. She was ready to go when I arrived and we were on our way. We listened to a Bobbsey Twins audiobook and I did a drop in pet sitting job on our way to College Station. Ms. M stayed in the truck with the kids while I fed the dogs, checked their water and played with them for a half hour. I gave the goats food and the mean goat that like to butt me didn’t bother me, probably because I carry a stick around with me now. I gave him treats and maybe he’ll warm up to me someday. 

The field trip was a lot of fun. 20 kids were there from ages 2 to 14. We got to see where the live productions are done. We got to talk to a meteorologist and a couple of TV anchors and ask them questions. The kids had fun playing with the green wall and pretending to do the weather forecast; they liked seeing themselves on TV. We also toured the control room and talked with the engineers. I thought it was the best field trip we had gone on so far. 

Afterward, we went to a nearby park and the kids ate lunch and played while us mom’s chatted. The weather was perfect. I drank my smoothie while I talked with the other mom’s. At around 12:30 p.m. we headed home, we listened to our Bobbsey Twin book on the drive. I dropped the kids off at our place before taking Ms. M home since it was on the way. Ms. M was happy to be home when we arrived there. She said she really enjoyed the field trip and I got her settled in. On the way home, I stopped at a business to see if they would be sponsors for the Milam Community Theater. The owner wasn’t in, so I sat outside the business in my truck filling out paperwork for taking care of Ms. M. While I was sitting there, several people that I know stopped by and talked with me. I love my small town. I love people. 

When I arrived back home, I made myself a big salad, enough for today and tomorrow. I had gotten word through email that a kayak trip my friend Alan was planning was on for tomorrow. There would be 3 of us going, Alan, Rosie and myself. Alan who was coordinating the trip had been watching the water levels and the weather. Both seemed ideal for going tomorrow and we were on. Yay!! So I made the big salad with the thought of making enough to take on the river trip with me. I sat outside with Christopher eating my salad and watching the kids, ducks and chickens. 

Later in the afternoon, I started a bath in the outdoor tub. While it was filling up, I decided to take the torn up spring cover and net off of the trampoline and order new ones. Christopher helped me get the old torn up ones off and then we moved the trampoline to a better location. Then I remembered my bath. Of course it was overflowing again 😂. What’s with me starting projects while waiting for it fill up. Well at least the plants around it are getting an abundance of water. I enjoyed a relaxing bath in a really full bathtub. The kids got in as I was getting out. I helped them get washed up and they played for a while until time for supper. I had more salad for supper. Salad is delicious. Then Finn’s parents came and got him. We chatted with them for a bit before they left and had fun conversations. 

Christopher, Angel and I gathered in the banana hut and I read 2 chapters from Hank the Cowdog book 9. Then I did 100 jumps on the rebounder and got into bed. Christopher went over to his house and Angel slept on the trundle bed next to me. We fell asleep at around 8 p.m. listening to a Bobbsey Twin book. 

Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I dearly appreciate you. 



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