Dear Diary and Friends,
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling angry. The angry unconscious thoughts had been pestering me for weeks. They went something like this, “Christopher never asks me anything about myself. He is not interested in me. When I ask Angel and Christopher what they are grateful for at supper, he rarely if ever asks the same of me, though Angel who’s five years old will ask in return. Christopher never asks me how I slept, how work went, did I have any awakenings lately, etc…all things I ask him daily. Therefore, Christopher is clearly not interested in me.” These unconscious thoughts had been persisting even though I kept pushing them away as foolishness. “What we resist persists”. I decided yesterday to transform this old unconscious thought pattern once and for all. I know that what I perceive others doing to me is really me doing to myself. I started saying decrees. “My great self is in ease. I am peace. I reclaim my peace. I am the only one who can determine my worth. I appreciate me. I soothe me. I comfort me. I am valuable. I love me. I reclaim my love. I create my reality. I choose my reality. I choose to be at ease. I choose to empower myself. I choose grace. I accept myself and others as they are…and so forth.
I went to work and superficially enjoyed myself but I still had that little self voice babbling in the background proving by example that Christopher is not interested in me. I would then mentally throw decrees at my little self, which would quiet down temporarily. Since the unconscious pattern had not been transformed to consciousness yet it continued to come back to my awareness…whispering to me…”I am here for your growth. I am here so that you can see me and transform me into consciousness”. I responded, “that’s great, I ask for clarity on how to do this. I know that suffering is a choice, I desire to choose peace and ask for guidance.” I was suffering and miserable.
The day continued on. I had fun drinking my banana smoothies and talking with my clients. I am eating mostly bananas for a week as I received a message from my great self a few days ago to do this to alkalies my body’s ph and assist in digestion issues. Eating a high fruit mono meal diet also allows stuffed emotions to surface and that’s exactly what was happening in a big way. An opportunity to transform anger to forgiveness was presenting itself. Regardless I was miserable.
When I arrived home from work Christopher was talking about his work and the weather and our grocery lists. Still no interest in me I purposefully noticed. So I asked him if he was interested in me. He of course had no idea that I had been creating this mental story about him and basically replied that if I wanted to tell him something I didn’t need for him to ask, I could just say it. The seething anger persisted. I continued mentally saying decrees to be that which I desired to be. As the day went on I was distant from Christopher and subtlety pointed out little things he did that were a fail. I knew that everything I projected outward was old unconscious patterns. Everything I said to Christopher I was saying to and about myself. Any unkindness spoken to Christopher was an unkindness to myself. Sigh. “How do I make movement through this old pattern? Why have I not received clarity?”
Christopher left to go hang out with his cousin for the evening. I was grateful to have him away for a while. Angel and I had a lot of fun. We read stories and showered. I made rice and lentils for supper which sat heavily on my stomach after eating a fruit diet. Angel and I watched an episode of Charlie Brown on the laptop. Then I put Angel to bed. I didn’t do a lot of my evening chores as a passive aggressive way to vent my anger. I knew that any venting or acting out my anger was only hurting myself, I did it anyway. I continued to say decrees and ask for clarity. My mom called and I talked to her. She told me a story about an old boyfriend calling and asking her to lunch. She went and spent the whole meal telling him in a passive aggressive way what an asshole he had been when they broke up and he kicked her out. She thought it was funny. I laughed with her but deep down didn’t think it was funny at all. It was cruel. I knew it was a message for me, a mirror of myself. I was being cruel to myself and Christopher. Ahhh…I was stuck and flailing around. Where was my great self? Where were my guardian angels? Why was I not getting clarity???? I continued to say decrees and said, “it’s ok to be unconscious, it’s ok to be stuck. My great self has got this”.
I read for a while and then fell asleep in the banana hut. I woke up a couple hours later with a stomach ache, I blamed the rice and beans. Christopher still was not home. I went in the house and ate a couple of papaya enzymes. I laid back down in the banana hut and tried to fall asleep. I heard Christopher come home. He did not come wake me up to come to bed with him, exactly what I had asked him to do. I had asked him to let me sleep and not wake me up before he left. I laid in the banana hut for an hour more. My stomach still hurt. I went back in the house and ate a couple more papaya enzymes. Then I went to bed and talked with Christopher. He was tired and not very talkative so I read for a while. Eventually my stomach stopped hurting and I went to sleep.
This morning I woke up at 5am. The anger is still there. Really? Still? Of course it is, I still am making the movement through it and transforming it into its true nature of forgiveness. I received a message to write about it and it will give me clarity. So I wrote this blog post and I did receive clarity. Pull the anger near. Invite the anger to sit at my table. Love my anger instead of pushing it away. Love myself even when I feel angry. Be ok with being angry. Breathe deeply and embrace my anger. Big big hugs for my anger. “I love you anger. I am glad you are here. Thank you anger for being a part of my journey. Dear anger you are a blessing. I am willing to feel you anger.”
My joy is returning.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life.