Dear Diary and Friends,
For most of my life and I have been trying to “get rid” of the feeling of anger. I was sure if I found the perfect method for dealing with anger, that I would be done with anger for good, except in extreme and necessary situations such protecting myself or others from harm. I saw anger as a weakness in myself. I’ve felt guilt over anger, I’ve hurt others because of my anger, I’ve acting like a complete idiot due to my anger…anger had to go! Throughout my 46 years of this lifetime, I’ve tried many things to address anger when it comes flaring up.
- I’ve reacted to the anger, lashed out at the person(s) or thing(s) I blamed for “causing” me to become angry. They hurt me and needed to know what that felt like.
- I’ve distracted myself with activities such as walking, exercising, meditating, being in nature or doing something I enjoy.
- I’ve worked on finding the root cause of the anger.
- I’ve fed the anger soothing foods.
- I’ve justified it and tried to get others to see how right I was to be angry so they would side with me.
- I’ve beat up pillows and went where no one could hear me and screamed at the top of my lungs.
I’m sure there are more but this is all that comes to mind at the moment. While some of these methods of addressing anger are seen as positive ways to deal with anger and some are seen as negative ways to deal with anger….all of these things are actions and all of them are attempts to make the feeling anger go away and speed up the process. All of these are forms of resisting being angry instead of accepting it. Over all though, non of these methods felt quite right. I felt like I was missing something.
A few months ago, my inner guidance (the Holy Spirit), that inner knowing we all have, revealed to me what I was missing. I hadn’t been accepting anger and mostly I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anger without analyzing it, thinking about it, justifying it, expressing it, distracting myself from it, feeding it, or any other action. I wasn’t allowing the anger to just be. Let the anger be?? What in the world does that mean? It means to not think, react, express or distract myself from anger. It means to simply feel the feeling. So I started practicing this.
Here is an example of the first time I practiced this concept:
I had to pee really really bad. I frantically got Angel out of the car seat and ran into the grocery store. I saw the restroom sign and ran for it. I was almost there! I was going to make it! Then out of the blue a woman blocks the door and says that this bathroom is part of the coffee shop and it won’t be open for 10 minutes. Anger immediately reared up in full swing and I thought. “Seriously lady! Your not going to let me just go pee?!” I asked her where the grocery store bathroom was located. She said it was at the back of the store in the opposite corner. Desperately I ran off in the direction she had pointed. Anger was raging! My thoughts raced, I thought about how I was going to go back and tell that lady what a bitch she was (a week earlier I actually had called a lady a bitch for a similar bathroom incident…I guess I don’t like to be told I can’t relieve myself when the need is desperate..lol). I thought about filing a complaint. I thought about many many anger fed things as I ran for the other bathroom and finally was able to go pee. Ahhh….sweet relief. Then I remembered there was a new thing I was trying out….what was that again? Oh right! I was going to feel my feelings without thought or action. I took a deep breath and told myself, “I can do this! It will be easy.” Then I let the feeling of anger flow. I stopped thinking and simply felt the feeling. “Oh my!”, I thought, ” Anger actually feels really good!!” I started walking through the grocery store, enjoying the feeling of anger. I started humming to myself as I basked in anger. What a great feeling anger is! It has so much energy and vibrance! Wow!! I was having such a great time feeling angry that I wasn’t angry anymore, instead, I was delighted! lol. I no longer felt the need to act on the anger. I was so satisfying just to simply feel it. It was like scratching a really itchy itch. It feel amazing!
Angel had spilled cantaloupe all over the floor for the 3rd time that morning. Instant anger flared up. I don’t like messes and I was tired of cleaning them up. I started to yell at Angel about being more careful and not carrying her food around the house. Angel being 3 just looked at me, like…huh? I caught myself…I was reacting to the feeling of anger instead of just feeling it. I took a deep breath….”let it flow”….I told myself. Ahhh….yes! I stood there with my eyes closed and that wonderful feeling of anger zipped throughout my body. I followed it as it vibrantly flowed through my veins. How fun! I watched it as it laughed and played, then it merrily flew away. “See you next time!”, I thought. I opened my eyes and started laughing. Angel laughed too and we cleaned up the cantaloupe together.
So there it is. This is how I am embracing anger as well as all my other feelings. I still forget and fall into old patterns….but they are unsatisfying and I remember what it satisfying. I remember to simply feel all of my beautiful feelings, I remember how good it feels to feel, and I allow myself to feel. I am so very grateful for feelings.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life.