Sunday August 11, 2024
Dear Diary,
I woke up at 6 AM. I let out the ducks, chickens and geese. I called Tracey and we said our good mornings. Then I wrote my blog until 8 AM. I sent Tracey my gratitudes and they were: I am grateful for friends, I am grateful to have less stuff, I am grateful for the love we share, I am grateful for relaxing mornings, I am grateful for fruit, I am grateful for tea, I am grateful for your sparkly eyes, I am grateful for trees, I am grateful for coaching, I am grateful for purpose, I am grateful we share the same sense of humor, I am grateful to laugh, I am grateful for joy, I am grateful for gratitude.
I love you my wonderful man. ☀️💚🌙💛🙌
He sent me his gratitudes and they were: I am grateful for sunrises. I am grateful for sunsets. I am grateful for sounds of nature. I am grateful for knowing. I am grateful for not knowing. I am grateful for food. I am grateful for deep connection. I am grateful for missed connections. I am grateful for closeness. I am grateful for distance. I am grateful for divine protection. I am grateful for free will. I am grateful for God’s will. I am grateful for discernment. I am grateful for confusion. I am grateful for unconditional love. I am grateful to be blessed. I am grateful for you and your love Victoria. Thank you♾️💚💛🙏
I laid in bed relaxing and dozing and meditating for 2 hours. It was blissful. Angel got up at around 8:30 AM and went in the house to eat waffles. Then she came back out to the banana hut and watched a movie on her DVD player. Tracey texted me asking if my motorhome had a hitch. I called him to see what was going on. He said he might want to tow his car when we go to Idaho the first time, in case he wants to leave to do his own thing. I completely understood that. I said I wasn’t sure if it had a hitch but we didn’t have to take the motorhome, we could each drive our own vehicles. He said he wasn’t sure what he was going to do yet. I knew he was processing some emotional triggers and I also knew he would stay present with them until he received the clarity they were there to give him.
At around 10 AM my friends Scott and Sarah messaged saying they were getting ready to go eat breakfast. I got up out of bed, finally. It had been so nice having a restful morning. I asked Angel if she wanted to go with me. She said she didn’t. I went in the house and quickly got dressed. I packed up the smoothie that I had made yesterday, made tea and went to find Christopher. He was sitting outside in his chair, I told him that I was going to breakfast with Scott and Sarah and would go directly to do the play and I wouldn’t be back until later in the evening. I said that Angel wanted to stay and Bits was staying too. Christopher was fine with all that. I thanked him and hearted (headed) to Rockdale.
I drove to the restaurant, La Carretta, and when I pulled into the parking lot, my friend Rita texted me asking if everything was ok. I said it was. She asked about a Facebook post Tracey had made. I read it and it sounded great to me. He had shared his process of being present with his fears. His post would be very helpful to a lot of people. It was a fantastic post in my opinion. I went into the restaurant and sat down with Scott and Sarah. I ordered a vegetarian omelette, which comes with a side of steamed vegetables and avocado slices. I wasn’t sure how that heavy food would do on my stomach but it felt ok after eating it. Sarah, Scott and I had fun conversations about our lives. While I was there, I received texts from Tracey, saying that he wasn’t going with me to Idaho. I felt disappointed but at the same time I was also glad that he wasn’t doing what I wanted and instead was doing what he wanted. I was confused about things though and I texted back asking him questions. His answers were confusing me even more. Then I realized that the texts he was sending were part of his healing process and his answers were confusing because he himself was confused. I knew he would gain clarity and everything would work out perfectly. Later on, he called a couple of times but I didn’t answer since I was in the middle of the restaurant talking with Sarah and Scott. When we were done talking, we said our goodbyes. Sarah was sad about me leaving and I assured her that I would come to visit and that my new plan was to live half of the year in Texas and half of the year in Idaho.
When I got in my truck, I called Tracey back. He had processed a lot of fears in a short amount of time and was starting to gain clarity. What a wonderful gift it was to witness his process. It was beautiful. I find it so refreshing being with someone that doesn’t numb their feelings with alcohol or drugs, nor does he spew his feelings out onto people. He knows, as I know, that our feelings have a message for us on how to heal and move forward in love. We can only receive that message if we stay present with our feelings and feel them fully. Tracey saw how he had been self-sabotaging by denying himself what he truly wanted by saying he wasn’t going with me to Idaho. He really did want to go but his fear of getting hurt had clouded his thinking. There’s always a chance of getting hurt in a relationship. It’s ok to get hurt because if we aren’t willing to get hurt then we are also not willing to fully experience love and joy. All is welcome.
Tracey and I had a beautiful conversation and talked until it was time for me to go get ready for the play. When I arrived at the Kay Theater, I put on my make up and got into costume. Then I hung out back stage with my fellow thespians. It was our last performance and it was bitter sweet. I was glad to be getting on with my life but doing the performances has been really enjoyable. Plus, I formed a bond with the other actors. We all have had a lot of fun together. I will miss hanging out with them.
We had our biggest audience yet and the play went great. We played up our characters big time and elaborated on our lines. We were joking around and laughing backstage, we were all in good spirits. When the play was over, we took down the set and met at Eastbell Taphouse, next door, for our cast party. I was hungry and instead of getting my smoothie out of the truck and having that. I had a cupcake and ate some of someone else’s sweet potato fries that they shared with me, then I ate regular fries another person shared with me. Then I felt nauseous. My body doesn’t appreciate all that processed and fried foods. I feel best eating fresh fruits and vegetables. I’d already strayed from that by eating a heavy omelette for breakfast earlier that day. When I was walking to my truck to leave, I felt like I was going to throw up. My body was having none of that junk food nonsense. Thankfully, I still had my keys for the Kay Theater. I let myself in and made it to the bathroom in time. I felt much better after that. I drank some of my tea and drove to Tracey’s.
Tracey and I went swimming in the pond. I did a full body relaxation session and stretching. Then Tracey and I took turns holding each other and walking around the pond. We watched the dragon flies and a little frog on the lilly pads. At one point, I cried a little, releasing the sadness I had felt earlier in the day when Tracey had said he wasn’t going to Idaho with me. Even though he was now going, I hadn’t fully felt the sadness I had experienced earlier in the day. Tracey held me while I cried and said he was sorry. The feeling passed through quickly. Then, I talked to him about my idea of moving the banana hut to Rita and Val’s and putting it by the pond. I had talked to Rita and Val earlier and they were all for it. They had offered several times to let me stay on their land and help out with the animals in trade. Since we were thinking of living half of the year in Idaho and half of the year in Texas, having the banana hut at Rita and Val’s would be perfect.
When we got out of the pond, we watched videos of how to move a 10×12 shed. Then I went over to Val and Rita’s and talked to Val about ways to move the shed. We came up with some ideas to explore. I went to Tracey’s, told him what Val and I had discussed and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye.
When I arrived home, Angel and Christopher were watching a show on his phone. I told Christopher about my ideas on moving the banana hut and he also had some ideas that might work. I got ready for bed and went to the banana hut. Angel joined me shortly after. I called Tracey and we said our good nights. Then I called my sons and talked with each of them briefly. I put on an audiobook and went to bed. We fell asleep at around 10:15 PM.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I appreciate you.
Love, Victoria
P.S. this blog post was inspired by the Holy Spirit.