Thursday May 16, 2024
Dear Diary,
I woke up at 5:45 am. I had slept really good and had fun dreams. The last dream I remember, I was at a potluck where all different churches had gathered. It was held in a big grassy area outside with a stage at the front. A lady sitting beside me was talking to me about parasites and had printed out some pages from a book about parasites. Someone sitting next to us, started yelling at her saying that she was a conspiracy theorist and she was speaking about things from the devil. Then a whole bunch of people started yelling at her, pretty soon the whole crowd of people was yelling at her. She calmly got up and walked onto the stage and spoke into a microphone. She didn’t appear to be bothered by all the people yelling at her. She said she was sharing information about parasites and it had nothing to do with the devil or conspiracies and if anyone wanted information they could read about it. Then she set the printed out pages on the edge of the stage. Everyone was still all riled up. I went up on the stage, smiled at everyone and picked up one of the printed pages. Everyone was looking at me and I didn’t know what they would do but I had no fear. I felt calm and peaceful inside. Then someone randomly yelled, “it’s going to start snowing”. I thought that was strange because it was warm out and I was in Texas. Everyone started scrambling around gathering all of their stuff. Then they ran to their cars and drove away. There were a few people left that didn’t get caught up in the frenzy. We all shrugged and milled about. A pastor from one of the churches sat down with me and we read the printed out pages about parasites together. We talked about the things we needed to know about parasites and how to do a parasite cleanse. Then we got up and joined the others. There was a bunch of food left from the potluck that people had forgotten. Most of it was desserts. People began cleaning everything up, carrying the desserts into a nearby church and setting them in the kitchen. Once the desserts were all brought inside, people got plates and started eating. Not eating like normal but frantically stuffing their faces. I walked by a lady that quickly took a bite of some custard using the serving spoon. Then she put the spoon back in the custard and walked away. I decided that I wasn’t eating any desserts that had serving spoons and grabbed a cookie but I couldn’t eat it. It tasted like chemicals and had big hard chunks of something in it. I threw it in the garbage and noticed the garbage was full. I decided to take it out to the dumpster. I gathered up the garbage bag and pulled it out of the can. I asked someone where the dumpster was and went in that direction. Then I woke up.
I laid in bed and wrote about my dream. At 7:15 am, I got up and lets the dogs out. I made waffles for Angel and woke her up. I fed the dogs, made tea and a smoothie. It was slow paced relaxing morning and I was enjoying myself. Angel and I sat outside on the porch for a while the dogs ran around.
When it was time to go, I loaded up all of the dogs. I put Chance in the back and Bits and Sofia in the cab. We got Ms. M from her house and drove out in the country and picked up my grandson Finn from his house. Then we all went to my house. Homeschool co-op was at my house today. We were going on a field trip in the woods.
I arrived home at 9:45 am and the co-op starts at 10 am. I got all the dogs settled and went in the house where Christopher was working. He let me know that he had found our last cat Socks dead that morning. He didn’t know what had happened to him because he’d been fine yesterday and there were no signs of him being injured when he found him dead. I was sad to hear about socks. Now we didn’t have any cats. Our barn cats have short lives but we still get attached to them.
Ms. M and all the dogs rode with me in the side-x-side to beginning of the driveway to make sure everyone could find our place. Four other mom’s came with their kids and they had all been there before. The kids all picked mulberries from the mulberry tree and ran around the yard. Ms. M sat on the porch and watched everyone. The kids discovered a possum up in the mulberry tree which was neat. It was my first time seeing a possum on our land. They are good to have around because they eat ticks. The possum was a boy and he was just hanging out up there watching us. He was so cute.
All the kids and parents and Ms. M got together in a group and I showed everyone my garden. Then we all started walking down the trail to the gulley. A group went up ahead and some of us stayed back while I pointed out different plants along the trail. About halfway down to the gulley, I noticed that Ms. M wasn’t with us. I wasn’t too concerned because she always stays near the group and I figured she had gone with the group that went ahead of us. When we reached the gulley, I didn’t see Ms. M with that group either. I asked if anyone had seen her and they said she was with them but they didn’t know where she went. I started to get concerned. It’s not like her to leave the group. I went back up to the house thinking maybe she went back there. I looked all over and asked Christopher if he had seen her. He said he hadn’t.
I felt panic rising up in me. I went back down to the gulley and there was still no sign of her. I ran back to the house and told Christopher we still couldn’t find her. He stopped working on the house and started searching outside. I jumped on the side-x-side and drove down the driveway to the county road. I drove up one way and didn’t see her. I drove the other way for a ways and there was still no sign of her. At this point she had been missing for about 20 minutes.
I drove to the house and was in full blown panic mode. By this time, all the kids and other moms were searching for her. One of the kids said she told him she was going somewhere when they were at the gulley but he didn’t know where. I knew she couldn’t have gone off of a trail in the woods because the woods are too thick to walk through without cutting a trail. I called her husband and told him Peggy was lost. He said he would come out. I told him that we should call the police. He said to wait until he got there. There was a storm coming in a couple of hours and I was concerned about her being out in it.
I knew it would take her husband 20 minutes to get there and I used that time to run down to the gulley and cross over to the other side. It was a steep trail going up the other side and I couldn’t imagine Ms. M climbing up it but it’s the only place she could have gone. I ran some of the trails on the other side of the gulley calling her name but there was no sign of her. My mind kept flashing back to December when a dog we were boarding got away from Christopher and ran off. The dog was never found. Now I had lost a human and it was unthinkable that she wouldn’t be found. I felt like throwing up just thinking about it. I prayed for her to be found.
I ran to the house and got there just as Ms. M’s husband arrived. He was very calm and assured me that it wasn’t my fault. He told me that she had been wandering off lately and she had wandered off just yesterday afternoon when they were in Round Rock. He couldn’t find her anywhere in the building. He finally found her walking around outside in the parking lot. I felt a little better knowing that it wasn’t just me. I again suggested we call the police. I wanted a search party, I wanted her found before the storm came. I wanted her to be ok. I wanted a happy ending.
Her husband called the police and I was grateful they were on their way. I showed him the trail we had gone down when we lost her and started walking down it with him when suddenly I knew where to find her. It was an overwhelming hunch to go down a road that we call “oil field road”. It’s an access road that some of the trails across the gulley connect to. I told Ms. M’s husband that I needed to look somewhere and that I would be back. I ran up the trail and got in the side-x-side. My co-op friends told me that they had their families praying that we find Ms. M. Christopher told me that he had called all of his family in the area and told them to keep an eye out for her. I thanked everyone and told them that I had a hunch and I needed to check one more place. I drove the side-x-side out by the highway and over to “oil field road”. The side-x-side can’t go across the gulley so I had to go around the other way. A friend from across the highway called just as I got on “oil field road” and she said they were praying we find Ms. M. I thanked her and told her I had received a strong hunch of where Ms. M might be. I turned the corner and there was Ms. M walking down the middle of “oil field road”. I told my friend I found her and hung up the phone. It was so good to see Ms. M, I almost started crying with relief. I pulled up next to her and she smiled at me, she was not at all upset or disturbed. She had been gone for an hour and 15 minutes. I smiled back and said to her, “we’ve been looking for you, you’ve been on a long walk”. She said she wanted to sit down. I told her to get in and rest and I would take her to her husband. She sat down next to me. I called her husband and told him I found her. Then I called Christopher and told him.
I drove up to the house and everyone cheered. The kids had all prayed she would be found and everyone was excited that their prayers were answered. They greeted her as we slowly drove past. I stopped as one of my friends handed her a bottled water. I drove her to her husband who was waiting in his truck. He was glad to see her. He said the police had already come and gone. Ms. M got the truck with him and they headed home. My friends all gave me hugs and encouraging words. They reminded me that it wasn’t my fault and to focus on the fact that she had been found and was safe and sound. They said that there had been a lot going on and not one of us saw her slip away because we weren’t expecting it, since she’s never done anything like this with us before. In the past, she’s always stayed with everyone. I thanked them, it was so wonderful to be shown so much love, encouragement and support.
After everyone left I felt completely wiped out. I went in the house and laid on the couch with my eyes closed. That had been really intense. I was so glad she was found but I didn’t think it would be a good idea for me to care for Ms. M anymore. She never used to wander but now that she is wandering, it’s too much of a liability. She could get out of the truck and wander off when I’m delivering newspapers. I run the papers into businesses and sometimes I have to wait inside a few minutes to collect money. Then when we’re at the homeschool co-op, I have to keep an eye on the kids as well as her and I can’t be totally focused on her the whole time. There were too many scenarios where I could lose her again and I didn’t like that one bit. I would talk to her husband about all of this. I love taking care of Ms. M but I can’t risk this ever happening again. I called my sister Trish and talked to her and told her what happened. Then I rested some more.
After about an hour of resting and breathing, I got up and put Chance, Sofia and Bits in the truck. Angel and Finn came inside from playing outside and gave them the option of coming with me or staying with Christopher. They wanted to stay and I was glad. I still needed time to recover from the stress I had been under. I noticed Ms. M’s purse and coffee mug was still in the truck. I messaged her husband informing him that I would drop them off. This would give me the perfect opportunity to talk to him.
I arrived at Ms. M’s and brought in her stuff. Her husband greeted me cheerfully and Ms. M was happily cuddled up in her chair. I talked to her husband about my concerns and he agreed that they were valid. He said he was going to spend some time reassessing things and figure out what type of care Ms. M was going to need for the future. He would let me know and we could get together and talk about it. Yes, that was all good. I was glad I had talked to him.
I arrived at my pet sitting house and brought all the dogs inside. The storm was coming in and it was almost as dark as night outside. I made myself a smoothie and laid on the couch. A co-op friend called to check on me and to encourage me some more. When I got off the phone I wanted to zone out on something mindless. So I easily found a mindless show on Netflix called Brooklyn Nine Nine. I watched it for a while and fell asleep. I slept for about 45 minutes and continued watching the show when I woke up. It really was mindless and I realized I didn’t like mindless. It didn’t make me feel better at all, in fact it was making me feel really yucky. I turned off the TV and sent a thank you text to all of my co-op friends that had helped me today.
I fed the dogs their dinner and let them out and back in. Then I wrote on my blog for yesterday. I was feeling really scared and apprehensive about getting to today’s blog post and writing about today’s events. I was afraid of people judging me and thinking badly of me. I sat with that feeling and asked the feeling what it was telling me. Then I remembered…I remembered I had made a decision a long time ago to hide nothing. I had decided to be completely open about my life in my blog. I had made the choice to no longer let my fears control me and I was no longer going to hide from people. We are all imperfect and we all make mistakes. It’s ok to be judged and not liked. It’s ok to let people think what they want about me and say what they want about me. It’s life and people will judge me and that’s ok but I will not hide from them. My blog is for my healing and I refuse to be controlled by fear. I am not here to be a people pleaser. I am here to be real and honest and open. I choose to be vulnerable and open hearted and share the hard stuff. I will fearlessly write about today’s events and I will post it for all of the world to see. It was good to receive clarity. I felt strong and confident again. I remembered my purpose.
I took a shower and went to bed. I finished writing yesterday’s blog post and posted it. Then I started writing today’s blog post. I wrote until 11 pm. The blog post still wasn’t finished but the main part was written and I was tired. I turned off the light and fell asleep right away.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I dearly appreciate you.
Love,
Victoria
P.S. This blog post was inspired by the Holy Spirit.