Wednesday July 17, 2024
Dear Diary,
I woke up at 5:44 AM. I jumped out of bed. I was supposed to have left at 5:30 AM to get farm sitting done before my 7 AM cleaning opportunity. I went in the house and quickly made my tea and smoothies. I messaged my client saying that I would be a little late. She messaged back letting me know that was fine and said I could reschedule if I needed to. I thought about it and decided to reschedule. We decided on a future date that worked well for both of us. I had another cleaning opportunity that I had planned to do later in the day for a guy who owns Airbnb’s. I could do that this morning instead since it would take less time.
Angel stayed home with Christopher and I drove to do my farm-sitting opportunity. I took care of the animals and drove to the Airbnb to clean it. As soon as I pulled up, I realized that I had left all my cleaning supplies at home. I had taken them out of the bed of the truck when I was going to go get Peggy from the airport and I hadn’t put them back in. I messaged the Airbnb client and told him that I would clean tomorrow instead. He was fine with that.
I quickly decided to clean the Lutheran church. The church had its own cleaning supplies and I had time to do it before it was time to pick up Ms. M.
Cleaning the church was a lot of fun. It’s so peaceful inside the church. I took my time and did an extra thorough job. I finished right on time to pick up Ms. M. We went through the car wash and then went to the Rockdale Reporter. I got Ms. M settled in up front doing her word search puzzles. I sat across from her and wrote my blog until the newspapers arrived. It was a difficult blog post to write because it was about ending my relationship with Christopher. I didn’t want to tell everyone about that. I wanted to hide and stop writing my blog and quietly go on with my life. I felt my fear and allowed it to be there. I reminded myself that it’s ok to be human. My blog is for my spiritual growth and not hiding the “bad” stuff is healing. I choose to be an open book and share the good, the bad and the beautiful. I have nothing to hide and it feels good. I had been hiding the struggles Christopher and I had been having for years before I got real with myself and started opening up about it a couple of months ago.
By the time the papers arrived, I had most of the blog post written. Ms. M and I had fun delivering the papers. She listened to music and did her word search puzzles while I ran the papers inside the businesses. When the route was finished, I took her to her house and hearted home. When I pulled up, I greeted the dogs, Angel and Christopher. Christopher was getting ready to leave to go out drinking in the woods with his friends. We talked for a few minutes and then he left.
I talked to Angel and told her about Christopher and I splitting up. She asked questions and I answered them. She cried and I held her until she was done crying. Then she was instantly back to her happy self and wanted to play Life Junior which had arrived today. I had ordered it on Amazon along with a few other educational board games. I was happy to play it with her. We played it twice and then invited Tracey over to go swimming at swim tank.
I was putting fresh water in the duck and geese pools when Tracey and his dog Cassie arrived. We got ready and walked to swim tank. As we walked through the woods, I was feeling sad about leaving the land. I love the woods here so much. I would have ended my relationship with Christopher long ago but I didn’t want to leave the land. I knew that was the wrong reason to stay but nature has a strong pull on my heart and I kept telling myself that things would get better between us even when we were obviously drifting farther and farther apart.
We all had fun swimming. I floated on my back, did my breathing exercises and stretched. Fish kept biting me, so it wasn’t very relaxing 😂. The dogs all had a great time swimming and running along the shore. Right before we got out, a fish bit Angel right under the eye. The fish were being really aggressive today. They usually are a lot calmer. I wasn’t sure what was up with them.
We started walking back to the house on a different trail than we came in on. Angel decided she wanted to go back on our original trail. I told her she could, I know that she knows the trails really well and wouldn’t get lost. She headed to the other trail while Tracey and I continued on. I stopped and took pictures of plants as we walked. It is so beautiful and peaceful in the woods. I am grateful to have gotten to live on such an amazing piece of land.
We made it to the house right before it was time for me to leave for play practice. I expected Angel to be there before us since her trail was shorter and we had taken our time. I didn’t see her anywhere outside or in the house. I thought maybe she was hiding and I called for her telling her to not be hiding. I still couldn’t find her. Tracey and I looked for her for ten minutes. I was chastising myself for letting her go off by herself and not making her stay with us. I could feel myself starting to panic and did some deep breathing. Then I loaded up the dogs in the side-x-side and asked Tracey to stay at the house and call me if she showed up. I was getting ready to drive down the trail when she walked up. I told her that we had been looking for her and I had been scared. She said that she changed her mind and had gone back to the trail Tracey and I had gone on. She was afraid she was in trouble and I told her that she wasn’t in trouble but I had been scared. I told her she would have to stay with me next time and wouldn’t be able to go off on her own.
I was late for play practice. Tracey went home and we got ready to go. Play practice went well, other than I was really tired and started to feel a sore throat coming on. We went all the way through act one and we have it down fairly good other than the last song. A couple of us decided we were going to talk to Val about cutting the last song since it’s so complicated and we only have one more week of practice. Val is the director and he wasn’t there. He had another event he had to be at but we would talk to him about it tomorrow.
After play practice, I did my farm-sitting opportunity. Angel played on her phone while I took care of the animals. One of the sick female goats was dead. As soon as I saw her lying on the ground, I started crying. I cried hard with big sobs. I dragged her out to the woods which was difficult because she was really heavy. I kept having to take breaks and rest, then I would cry some more. I knew that the dead goat had triggered grief that needed to be felt. Grief for my marriage ending, grief for leaving the land I loved, grief for all the changes that were about to happen. I let myself feel my sadness fully and I cried long and hard. I prayed and asked to receive the message the grief was there to give me.
Suddenly, I received clarity to move back home to Idaho. I’d been wanting to move back for a couple of years but I didn’t see how I could do that being married to Christopher. He would never move there. I’d been debating on how to live in both places by splitting the year in half. Being close to family and the land in Idaho has been calling my name and now I could go. A whole vision flashed before me about moving into my grandparents house in Shoshone. I inherited the house and gave it to my oldest son Shawn. There are renters in the house and they have trashed it. I could move in there and fix the house up. I always knew that someday I would live in that house, I just didn’t know when until now.
On the drive home, I called my son Shawn and talked to him about my idea. He was all for it and said he would talk it over with his wife but thought she would be good with things. We came up with a plan for me to move there October 1st. I am going to Idaho August 22-September 14 to pet-sit for my sister Missy. While I’m there I can get things ready for my move. I will come back to Texas September 14 – September 32. I will sell or give away most of my stuff. Then I will move to Idaho permanently. I will really miss all my wonderful friends and clients in Texas but I have to go home to Idaho. Angel was part of the conversation also and she is excited to go to Idaho. She loves it there and we made plans on which animals to take with us and what stuff she wants to bring.
When we arrived home, we went straight to bed. I called Tracey and talked to him a while. Then we fell asleep at 11 pm, listening to a unicorn meditation.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I appreciate you.
Love, Victoria
P. S. This blog post was inspired by the Holy Spirit.