Monday April 7, 2025
Dear Diary,
Good morning God,
- Thank you for this day.
- Thank you for mornings.
- Thank you for rain.
- Thank you for people to say good morning to.
- Thank you for connection.
- Thank you for eyes.
- Thank you for love.
I love you!
I awoke at 1 AM and immediately I was filled with terror. My stomach was in a tight knot. My first thought was, “one of my children had died.” I recognized that all was well and calmly laid breathing. The fear was still with me and I allowed it to be. I assured the fear that it was welcome and I understood that the fear wanted to be afraid of something. I allowed the fear full reign. “Be afraid of everything, be afraid big”, I cheered to my fear.
At 5 AM, I was able to sleep more. I woke up at 7:30 AM. The fearful feeling was still there, in my stomach. I got up, put on morning music and started my tea water warming up. I took a long hot shower and woke up Angel. I made her breakfast and packed her lunch. I made myself tea and a smoothie. My smoothie had 5 bananas, 4 strawberries, spirulina powder, cacao powder, vitamin powder and fresh carrot/apple/pineapple juice.
We went to my first cleaning opportunity. My client helped Angel with her schoolwork while I cleaned. When I finished, we went to my next cleaning opportunity. I was still feeling my fear and I told her she was welcome to stay as long as she needed and be as big as she needed to be.
I cleaned my next house and chatted with my client. After it was completed, I stopped by the camper to get a couple of things that were still there. When we got home Angel decided she wanted to have her own room. I moved her bed into the spare room and helped her get her stuff set up. Then I made her lunch and we played a few games of Suspend.
Aaron came over and picked us up. Then we went on an adventure out to Goodrich. It was a beautiful drive and we stopped by a creek to explore and look at plants and rocks. I climbed up the side of the mountain and followed an animal trail. I took pictures of plants. There was a beauty yellow flower that I really wanted to eat but since I had no idea what the flower was, I decided to not chance it being toxic. My fear was still with me, in my stomach and I patiently allowed it to be. I realized that it was fear about writing the article in the newspaper covering the Fireman’s Ball. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get the information about the Ball that I needed and the article would be horrible. All this big fear over an article? I was ok with that, I knew it was an old fear that had been triggered. I was ok and it was just a feeling. I leaned into the feeling even more and felt every negative “what if” that could possibly happen. The fear got huge and I laid down on the ground next to the creek and let all that fear soak into the earth. The Holy Spirit came over me and I felt the power and strength I was receiving from my fear.
Angel and I collected a few rocks to take home. Some were really neat and we got a few round ones to paint. Aaron got a bucket for us to put all of our rocks in and then we drove back to Council. Aaron told stories on the way and we held hands. I am enjoying the playful innocence we have between us. We both want to take things very slow and have a solid friendship before moving forward. We are doing a great job of that and it’s great fun.
Aaron dropped Angel off at play practice and took me home. I walked over to the bank and cleaned it. I listened to My Cross to Bear by Gregg Allman while I worked. I’ve been really enjoying his memoir. He had a difficult fascinating life. When I finished cleaning, I walked home and Angel arrived at the same time.
I made Angel dinner and we played a couple games of Suspend. I realized at some point that my fear was gone. I checked in with my stomach and it was definitely gone. I thought about writing the article and I felt confident and peaceful about it. The phone rang and it was the fire chief, just the person I needed to talk with to get the information I needed to write the Fireman’s Ball article. The chief was full of all kinds of great information and I knew I had plenty to write a good article with. Yay!
I took a long hot shower and Angel took one after me. I talked to Aaron on the phone and told him about my fear being gone. He’s great to talk to because he understands “sitting with your feelings”, he is practicing the same thing. He doesn’t try to fix me or give advice, he just listens and allows me to find my own answers. He understands the value in that, as I do.
Angel got cuddled up in bed in her own room and I read her a book about Blaze the Pony. Then she read a book to me. Her reading keeps getting better and better. I went to bed and put on a sleep meditation. I wrote my blog notes and went to sleep at 9:45 AM.
Tuesday April 8, 2025
Dear Diary,
Good morning God,
- Thank you for this day.
- Thank you for fear.
- Thank you for resilience.
- Thank you for challenging opportunities.
- Thank you for hands to hold.
- Thank you for love.
I love you!
I awoke at 6 AM. I wrote my blog and posted it. Then I called Aaron and we had a great morning talk about being present with our emotions and Santa Claus. Angel woke up in the middle of our conversation and cuddled with me in the hammock, along with Bits and the kitten Remy. Bits and Remy have become best friends. We all laid together a few minutes before things felt overcrowded. I continued talking to Aaron while I made Angel breakfast. I got off the phone and made myself tea and got in the shower. I took a long hot shower and Angel got in after I got out. I organized her room a little better and then sat in the front room to do some blog writing. Angel got out of the shower and was washing one of her toy horses in the kitchen sink. I noticed something out of the corner of my eye as I was writing. I looked over and it was a tiny bubble floating across the room. I watched it float along when suddenly I thought, “where did that bubble come from?”. I looked over and saw Angel washing her toy horse in the sink and realized the bubble came from there. I felt happy that she was having fun making bubbles with the soap while washing her toy horse.
I walked next door and helped the neighbor lady with cleaning her house for an hour or so. When I got back, I made Angel lunch and helped her with her schoolwork. Then we walked over to the Thrifty store. I found a nice rolling table to put my sewing machine on. Since the thrift store is only a block away from my apartment, I rolled the table home. I got it set up with my sewing machine on it and it worked great.
Angel did her schoolwork and I helped her. I made her lunch and we played a couple of games of Suspend. I walked to my older sisters and got Angels little card-table from upstairs, her easel and our standing xylophone. I brought them home and set them up. Then I sat in the front room and got started writing the Fireman’s Ball article. It took me an hour to write it and when I finished, I sent it to the fire chief to see if there was anything I needed to add or change.
I decided to take Bits on a walk around town. I enjoyed listening to the sounds of the birds and watching them fly around. As I walked I felt my fear return. This time it was under my rib cage. I greeted my fear and welcomed it back. It was a fear of the fire chief reading my article and thinking it was crap. I breathed deeply as I fully felt my fear, then suddenly it was gone. That was short.
When I arrived home from my walk, I received a text message from the fire chief that said “I could not have written it any better! Check spelling on Nolte and Stanford. Thank you so much, the best article for the ball in years! Call if you need anything else.” I appreciated the great feedback and was so glad I had faced my fear. I corrected the spelling errors and sent the article in to the newspaper editor.
I made Angel dinner and she rode her bicycle to Girls Club. I talked to Aaron on the phone and walked to City Hall to attend a city council meeting. I am writing an article for the newspaper covering the meeting. I used to be scared while writing about the city council meetings but that has gotten easier. I arrived right on time and the meeting was a quick one. It only lasted 37 minutes. I talked on the phone with Aaron on the walk home and when I got there I made myself something to eat.
We got off the phone and Angel got home from Girls Club. I made her something to eat and we got ready for bed. Aaron and I talked on the phone again until I started to drift off to sleep. We hung up, I turned on a sleep meditation and went to sleep right away at around 9:15 PM
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I appreciate you.
Love, Victoria
P. S. This blog post was inspired by the Holy Spirit.
P. S. S. This was Monday and Tuesday. I’m all caught up to the current day. Yay!