Thursday January 16, 2025
Dear Diary,
Good morning God,
- Thank you for this day.
- Thank you for libraries.
- Thank you for sunshine.
- Thank you for misunderstandings.
- Thank you for clarity.
- Thank you for prayer.
I love you!
I awoke at 5 am. I played wordle and connections. At 5:45 am, I woke up Angel and made her a quesadilla breakfast and made her another one for lunch. For myself, I made tea and a smoothie. At 6:20 am, we left to do a cleaning opportunity in Cambridge. Angel did her schoolwork while I cleaned. She’s doing such a great job with school. She doesn’t fight me about it anymore and is self motivated to get it done. I enjoyed cleaning and when I finished we made it back to Council in time for Angel to go to jujitsu. I dropped her off and picked up some keys to do a drop in pet sitting opportunity tomorrow. Then I stopped at the hardware store and bought insulation tubes for my water hose. I bought all they had but I still needed more. I drove to my camper and dropped off the insulation tubes. As I was leaving and driving down the dirt road Mr. C called me and said that my dog was following me. Ahh! I hadn’t realized that Bits had gotten out of the truck. I stopped and got out. I looked down the dirt road and sure enough, Bits was running as fast as he could to catch up to me. I was so glad that Mr. C had called me. I waited for Bits and it was amazing how fast such a little dog could run. I was so glad nothing bad happened to him. He ran up to me and I put him in the truck.
I drove to the library and met with the owner of the local newspaper. He got me connected with a website that will let me know when the city council meetings are so that I don’t miss one. He also gave me a book about writing and asked if I would be willing to write an article about the wrestling team in Cambridge. I said I would like that. He left and I worked on the puzzle I started the other day. When Angel finished with jujitsu, she came over to the library and we worked on the puzzle together until it was time to leave to go do another cleaning opportunity. Angel played on her phone while I cleaned. My client only wanted me to dust, including the blinds. I love dusting and I did a thorough job.
Next, Angel and I drove to New Meadows to the hardware store. I bought more hose insulation and a longer heat cable. When I came out of the store my friend Brett was there. He was meeting us at Zim’s and had seen my truck in the hardware store parking lot. I greeted him and told him we would see him at the hot springs. I put my purchases in the truck and got ready to leave when Brett pulled up behind me in his car. I got out to see what he wanted and he had Bits with him. Bits had gotten out of the truck again without me realizing it and had jumped into Brett’s car. Bits!!! I’m going to have to watch him closely when I’m getting in and out of the truck now that he is sneaking out. I don’t want to lose him, he’s such a great dog.
We went to Zim’s and the water was a perfect temperature on a cold 20 degree day. I stretched and floated on my back fully relaxing my body. I needed to relax, I was stressed about moving into the camper and everything I needed to do get it winterized. I was stressed about spending so much money on the camper and supplies to winterize it. I was sad about things not working out staying with my sister and I felt like I had been going full speed for days. I was also stressed because Brett had told me on the phone a day or so ago that he was “sweet on me” and I reminded him that we were just friends. He said that I had been giving him signals that meant otherwise. I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. I don’t “give signals”, I say things outright. I call him my friend, I introduce him as my friend, we have been friends for years.
I wanted to have a face to face conversation with Brett about us only being friends. While we were swimming, I brought up the subject of us being friends only and I was stunned at his response and the things he accused me of. He said some really mean things. He tried to make me feel bad about the choices of men I’ve dated in the past and said that I had taken advantage of him because he wouldn’t have done the nice things he’d done for me if he knew that I wasn’t interested in more than friendship. He used my acts of kindness, such as inviting him to join my family for Christmas against me, saying that it was a sign that we were more than friends. He brought up “wrongs” I’d done to him years ago. I was shocked that he thought so little of me and my character. Why was he even going swimming with me if he thinks I am such a horrible person that takes advantage of people? I had no idea he thought all those things about me.
I found myself getting defensive and wanted to get away from him and his accusations. I was feeling angry about the things he was saying about me and I needed time to be present with my feelings without reacting to them. I know my heart and I know my intentions and I know that I don’t manipulate people to get what I want. Manipulating people isn’t acting in love, it’s acting in lack and fear and it’s bad energy. You cannot have real authentic relationships if you are manipulating people to get what you want. I like to treat people with kindness and do kind things for them and most of the time I get kindness back, sometimes I don’t. It’s ok, that’s how things go. I am not kind to people as a form of manipulation in anyway. Sometimes I’m not kind but when I realize it, I make amends immediately. I prefer to be kind, it feels good to be kind.
I had an awakening a few years ago when I was in Idaho visiting my mom. My mom and I had been getting along really well and I was happy about that. I felt that our relationship was healing. My oldest son came to visit and we were all going out to eat. I rode with my son to the restaurant and on the way there he asked me how things were going with grandma. I said that things were going really good. He told me that grandma was telling him a different story and he told me all the things she was saying. I was surprised, I had thought things were going so well. I was feeling hurt and betrayed. When we got to the restaurant, I sat with my feelings and allowed myself to feel them but I didn’t react to them. I didn’t say anything to my mom. I sat quietly and my feelings flowed through me. I wanted to lash out and tell her that I knew what she was saying about me behind my back but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be reactive in anyway to what I was feeling. As I calmly sat there, the Holy Spirit came over me and suddenly I realized that I could allow my mom to say whatever she wants about me and still choose to be kind to her. It was a huge “ah ha” moment.
We got out of the pool to leave and when we got to the parking lot I gave Brett $100 to cover anything he had done for me that I might have forgotten to offer payment for. He took the money and said that we could move forward as friends only. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue being friends. I wasn’t sure why he still wanted to be friends with me when he thought I was the type of person that took advantage of people. I needed to sit with my feelings and I prayed for guidance.
When we got back to Council, I stopped by my camper and put insulation foam and heat cable along the water hose. Then I drove home. Angel played Minecraft and I talked to my sister a few minutes. I put away clean laundry and started more washing.
Angel and I went upstairs. She played with her toys while I wrote my blog notes. Then we went to bed. I put on a sleep meditation and we went to sleep at around 9 p.m.
Thank you for reading my blog and being a part of my life. I appreciate you.
Love, Victoria
P.S. this blog post was inspired by the Holy Spirit.